Where am I. Who are you people. What's going on. What time is it. Why does everything taste like the sound of yellow.

 

Randomized Mass Effect 3, Part 9: An End, Once and For all

This is it. End of the trilogy. Time for Jfu to finally face the Reapers and take back Earth. Have some music for the scene.

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  • We’ve lost a lot of people along the way. Kaided in ME1, Kasumi, Legion, Ken, Gabby, Dr. Chakways, and Kelly in ME2. And then Mordin, Thane, Miranda, Tali, and Zaeed in this game. Certainly haven’t made the best decisions all the time. But Jfu’s done a helluva lot better than I ever expected.
  • Before heading out, talked with Javik again. Jfu convinced him watch the memories in his memory shard, turning Javik into a suicidal death seeker. Great work there, Jfu.
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  • All the species of the galaxy, coming together for one last battle against the Reapers. All except the quarians, at least, who died as a result of a terrible allergic reaction to missiles.
  • At the forward base, Jfu speaks with all his squadmates one last time. For a man who was usually so angry, he was surprisingly open and emotional there. Paragon at almost every response.
  • Before we can move on, there is one last very important call Jfu has to make. The most important person in his life. The one person who Jfu absolutely has to say goodbye to.
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  • Jacob x Jfu: Bros for life.
  • Jfu gives a triumphant speech before the attack. Speech is entirely hard-ass “We gonna kill all the things or we gonna die so you better kill all the things ya babies!”
  • Being a Vanguard continues to trivialize any sense of difficulty in the game. Marauder Shields was a tougher fight than the waves and waves of Reaper forces when Jfu had to defend the missiles.
  • Got up to the Citadel, and completely failed to talk the Illusive Man down. Which was expected. Still, Jfu shot him, so it’s good.
  • And then, the Catalyst, The big choice of the ending. Control, Destroy, Synthesis, or Refuse?

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Randomized Mass Effect 3 Part 8: Thessia, Sanctuary, and the Cerberus Base

  • We just flying through the endgame here!
  • First off, going to check out this asari monastery that’s in danger. Since we never recruited Samara, Jfu has no idea what the hell an Ardat-Yakshi is. By the end of the mission, I’m not sure he ever did really figure it out, and was just going through the mission because Reapers were there. He did execute the last surviving Ardat-Yakshi just to be safe, so maybe he picked some hints up.
  • Went to Thessia next. I know it’s supposed to be a very tragic and emotional moment. But I couldn’t help but spend the entire mission laughing while shouting “BURN AND DIE YOU SMUG BLUE SPACE ELVES! BURN AND DIE!” I think I might still have some lingering resentment from watching Avatar.
  • Previous playthroughts, the Thessia fight against Kai Leng was annoying, but nowhere near as infuriating as this time. Not because it was difficult. Oh no. Quite the opposite. This is my first time playing ME3 as a Vanguard, so this was my first time having the experience of tearing apart his shields in less than three seconds only to watch in rage as he becomes invincible and hides behind a gunship’s fire, followed by a cutscene showing off how cah-razy awesome the writer’s pet is while I shout at Jfu to stop running so slowly and just biotic charge across the room to slap that bastard in the face before he gets away.
  • Got to the max level at 60. Here’s what my stats look like:
  • Took care of a side mission at a communication facility. Once again, I am forced to go with the main story mission on account of everything else having been completed.
  • Went to Sanctuary. Big surprise, turns out to be a Cerberus facility! Miranda tried infiltrating it before us. She died. Many people were sad. Jfu was not amongst them.
  • Since there’s nothing else to do, decided to start the endgame and launch the assault on the Cerberus base.
  • KILLED AN ATLAS MECH BY PUNCHING IT WITH MY FISTS! YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!
  • Had my satisfying rematch with Kai Leng. Biotic Charged him into submission. Then stabbed him. Didn’t get the interrupt to break his sword, so not quite as cool as it could have been, but still good times.
  • And with this, we’re moving on to the assault on Earth. The end is finally in sight.

Randomized Mass Effect 3 Part 7: The Citadel

  • Start things off by going all the way back to Tuchunka to deal with some Cerberus people there. Sure was patient of them to sit there not causing problems until we came back.
  • While Jfu may have supported the idea of a relationship between EDI and Joker when EDI asked him, he shoots it down when Joker’s asking. Man, Jfu. Show some consistency here.
  • Meet with Ashley at a cafe on the Praesidium, and Jfu says he wants to start a relationship with her again. Now, I’m impressed. In spite of his decisions being made entirely at random, Jfu managed to not only romance Ashley in 1, but he stayed faithful throughout 2, and then even was able to get back together in 3. That’s skills there.
  • Miranda contacts Jfu to talk about stuff she needs to do. Jfu doesn’t care.
  • Jfu goes to save the volus ambassador from being kidnapped by bounty hunters, but in the process of doing so, Zaeed dies.
  • WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ZAEED THERE WERE SO MANY THINGS YOU STILL HAD LEFT TO SHOOT
  • Go off to deal with some fuel reactor thing, then head back to the Citadel so Miranda can complain some more about her sister being in danger and Jfu can continue to be completely apathetic to her and her problems.
  • And now it is time for the Citadel DLC! Shepard gets a fancy new apartment, but then everything goes to hell when his EVIL CLONE attacks.
  • Pepperoni pizza is also involved.
  • Jfu takes no prisoners here. Kill all the peoples. EVIL CLONE hanging from a ledge? Kick him off the ledge! Brooks tries to escape? Shoot her dead! We’re not leaving any loose ends here.
  • And the we threw a party. Jfu kept it relaxed the whole time, a nice and quiet break from all the chaos. Highlight of the event was easily the entire conversation between Wrex, Grunt, and Shepard which consisted entirely of people saying, “Shepard,” “Wrex,” “Grunt,” and “Commander Shepard.”
  • Group photo of the surviving Normandy crew.
  • And at this point in the game, we have exceeded the maximum needed amount of war assets. I seriously did not expect that to happen. After having the last two Jfus rush through everything, playing one who is a completionist is a very strange feeling.

Randomized Mass Effect 3 Part 6: Rannoch

  • More running around the Citadel doing small sidequests. Put an injured terrorist out of his misery. Convinced the batarians to join our side. Let Ashley rejoin the crew. What surprised me was that, at Thane’s death scene in the hospital, his son was there, even though I hadn’t done Thane’s loyalty mission in ME2. I would have assumed that the two wouldn’t have reconciled were it not for that.
  • Went to meet with the quarians and help their war against the geth, getting Tali back on the crew. Jfu is highly supportive of their war and thinks that it is a wonderful idea for them to be trying to retake their homeworld right in the middle of a Reaper invasion.
  • We meet the Legion VI on the geth dreadnought. In spite of Jfu and Legion barely exchanging any words in ME2, Jfu treats Legion as if the two are the closest of comrades. He constantly defends Legion to anyone who voices suspicion, and immediately agrees to help Legion take down the servers on a geth fighter base.
  • In the middle of dealing with the geth-quarian war, Jfu has the Normandy leave the system and head to the complete opposite end of the galaxy so we can rescue some ex-Cerberus scientists. Which means Jfu and Jacob get to meet each other again!
  • The two bros are reunited!
  • After that detour, we rush back to Rannoch to take care of the Reaper base! After destroying the Reaper there, the choice on whether to save the quarians or geth come up (saving both isn’t an option at all in this playthrough.) Jfu initially supports the quarians, but after the Legion VI makes a comment about “justice” Jfu immediately changes his mind and sacrifices the quarians in order to get the geth on his side. Which means that Tali then commits suicide. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
  • Heart too crushed to continue for today. :’(

Randomized Mass Effect 3 Part 5: Cure the Genophage and Save the Citadel

  • First off, went to save the down turians on Tuchunka. They warned Jfu that there’s a bomg planted on Tuchunka! But I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about. Just a little bomb. We don’t need to bother with that, the turians can handle it themselves.
  • Instead, we going out to fight rachni! Was reunited with Grunt as we slaughtered many robot-bug-things. Jfu made the smart decision and abandoned the fake rachni queen, which means Grunt and Arlak Company survived the mission.
  • Jfu continues to dislike the krogan, and makes sure to tell anyone who’ll listen that the only reason he’s helping them cure the genophage is so he can use them as cannon fodder soldiers.
  • Things came so close to the cure being sabotaged. Jfu didn’t warn anyone ahead of time, and tried talking Mordin out of going to the top of the Shroud to fix it. It was only at the very last chance, after Mordin’s “I made a mistake!” line, that Jfu relented, and let the sabotage be fixed.
  • Since we destroyed Maelon’s data last game, Eve didn’t survive the mission.
  • Shortly after curing the genophage, that bomb the turians had mentioned detonated, killing countless krogan. Oops. Oh well. As far as Jfu is concerned, at least it wasn’t, you know, actual people who died.
  • Got back to the Citadel in time for Cerberus to attack and try to assassinate the Council. Thane sacrificed himself to save the salarian councilor, and then Jfu talked down Ashely and convinced her and that Udina was secretly a traitor. And by convinced I mean he shouted angrily at her and she decided that sounded like a well rounded and logical argument. Then Jfu shot Udina. Good times for everyone.

Randomized Mass Effect 3 Part 4: Save the Academy, Liberate Omega, and then remember there’s a main plot we should be following

  • I’m really surprised that the students of Grissom Academy aren’t all dead/captured yet. That whole business with the Leviathan must have taken several days at least, but by the time we got here the students were still holding their own. Good on them.
  • Met Jack again. Jfu started off their reunion by insulting her, but they got on pretty well after that. Once the mission was over, Jfu supported the students being used in support roles, rather than combat positions.
  • After that, rolled to do the Omega DLC, and liberate the station. There wasn’t any consistency from Jfu during the whole mission. One second he’s supporting Aria’s plan to kill everything in their way, the next he’s opposing her violence. Kills thousands of civilians in order to take down Cerberus, but refuses to let Aria kill General Petrovsky after he’s surrendered. Aria even commented at the end of the mission that she had no clue wtf the deal with Jfu’s personality was.
  • And then a very surprising first: I’m forced to advance the main plot because every available sidequest has been finished. Whatever happened to rushing through these things as fast as possible, Jfu?
  • If there’s one thing which has remained consistent through all three games, it’s that Jfu is slightly racist against krogans. It’s not full blown hatred or anything; the man just doesn’t want to associate with them more than he has to. He was getting pretty snippy and dismissive with Wrex and Eve during the negotiations and subsequent rescue mission. Then again, he was getting pretty snippy with absolutely everyone who had the misfortune of being in that conference room during the negotiations.
  • Current stats. It’s interesting to see how, while the majority of conversation options Jfu’s gone with have been renegade, the majority of points he’s ended up getting has been paragon. A lot of that’s just random luck: he’ll pick renegade during the entire conversation except for the one point where you can get points, when he suddenly goes paragon.
  • And here’s out war assets. We’ve already surpassed the required minimum, mostly due to the DLC (Leviathan and Omega make up over half of that score.)

Randomized Mass Effect 3 Part 3: A Whole Lot of Glitches and the Leviathan

  • If Jfu 2 was paragon and Jfu 1 was neutral, then Jfu 3 is definitely the Renegade of the trio. He’s not full blown, near constant assholery (like Jfu 2 was with paragon,) but he certainly gets more renegade responses than either of his predecessors. Interestingly, in spite of his anger management issues, Jfu 3 so far might be one of the most levelheaded Jfu’s when it comes to actually making the big decisions. Haven’t played too far to be sure, but when it comes down to it, he often picks the choice to help people. He just kinda shouts at them a lot while helping them.
  • Been running around, doing a lot of minor stuff in the galaxy. Scanning planets and picking up war assets from them. Butting into conversations and asserting my opinion. Not convincing Liara and her dad to reunite. Visiting Ashley in the hospital and being amused by how Jfu seems absolutely focused on making things as awkward as possible.
  • ED got a shiny new metal body, and Jfu encouraged her to pursue a relationship with Joker. Aaaaaaaw.
  • Got the quest from the Spectre Jondum to save the hanar homeworld. Unfortunately, partway through I ran into a glitch where part of the quest wouldn’t trigger. Now, I could just load an earlier save and retry it all. Oooooor I could just ignore the quest and move on with the game.I guess we’ll never know the fate of the hanar homeworld. It is stuck in a state of schroedinger’s invasion. It is in a state of both being invaded and successfully repelling an invasion at the same time, until an observer looks at the planet and the uncertainty state collapses into one or the other. But that observer certainly isn’t going to be Jfu.
  • Got a message saying that there’s a chance that Grissom Academy might be under Cerberus attack, and that we should investigate immediately! Jfu springs into action!
  • Of course, he springs into action in the wrong direction. Those students can handle themselves. We’re gonna go chase us Cthulhu! Yup, I rolled to go for the Leviathan DLC!
  • I absolutely adore this DLC. Prolly one of my favorite parts of the game.It’s just so Lovecraft-y. Shame all the ladders are glitched and it took me forever to remember how to get past them.
  • I AM NOT READY TO BE FACING BANSHEES AT THIS POINT OF THE GAME OH GOD WHY
  • Leviathan’s a perfect illustration of my first point, about Jfu 3’s alignment. Spends the entire DLC ruthlessly driving for results, claiming we need Leviathan on our side no matter what kind of threat it may pose… and then, upon meeting Ann Bryson, is extremely considerate of her feelings after losing her father, and cuts her connection to Leviathan as soon as possible to protect her sanity, even if it means extra work for him.
  • WE HAVE CTHULHU ON OUR SIDE! WAR=BASICALLY WON!
  • After that adventure, Jfu went back to the Citadel. Met with Miranda, but Jfu had more important things to do than listen to her sister troubles. Then met with Aria to hear her proposal to unite the mercenary gangs. Getting the Blood Pack is just a matter of showing up, so Jfu couldn’t mess up there. Managed to peacefully get the Blue Suns on our side. With Eclipse… well, Jfu started off going for a peaceful resolution. But then the quest glitched, and I couldn’t proceed along it. So it looks like we’re not getting them to come along. Oh well.

Randomized Mass Effect 3 Part 2: Prothy the Prothean and Palaven

  • If our brief little stop at the Citadel has shown me anything, it is that Jfu 3 is a very angry man. The Council? Screw them! Reporters? Screw them too! Earth is under attack, and Jfu don’t got time for any of this shit.
  • That… um… that is a lot of names on that wall. Goodness. At least they died for the noble cause of getting Cerberus the Collector base. Shame Cerberus is now evil and all. Evil-er. Oh well.
  • Rolled to do Javik’s recruitment mission first. Interestingly, I’m encountering the opposite problem I had in ME2: Rather than finding the game to be harder than I remember, it’s much easier. Not sure what’s up with that.
  • Jfu responded to finding the last survivor of a race that has been dead for 50,000 years by… mostly ignoring him and not really asking any questions beyond “So you wanna shoot stuff?” Good ol’ Jfu.
  • Rescuing the turian primach on Palaven’s moon next. Mostly combat, not really much talking/choices. At least we’ve got Garrus back.

Randomized Mass Effect 3 Part 1

GET IN THE SPACESHIP LOSERS WE’RE GOING TO SAVE THE GALAXY

Let’s start off taking a look at what Jfu 2 would have looked like if imported without change to ME 2:

And now, I would like you all to meet our new star, Jfu 3:

We started out this series as a black man, and have since turned into the most ghostly pale looking dude I’ve seen in the game.

And here’s starting stats:

I’ve done the escape from Earth and Mars missions. Both of those pretty much follow the script no matter what dialogue you pick, so there’s not much to talk about in the way of craziness yet. But the madness shall soon come. Soooooooooooooon.

Randomized Mass Effect 2 Part 16: Suicide Mission

This is it. The last mission. Let’s throw some appropriate music on here.

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  • Final stats for the mission. Actually got two points in shockwave!
  • Flying to the base, the upgraded armor protected us from the drones. However, because Jfu didn’t get the shield upgrade, when we hit debris Legion was killed. But his death was avenged when our upgraded cannons destroyed the collector ship.
  • Once in the base, Kasumi was given the tech job for clearing the tunnels. Wise decision, Jfu. She’s good at that sort of thing, stealthy, and loyal. But his intelligence in that was quickly reversed by his next decision. The leader for the ground team? The person who needs leadership experience and respect from the crew? Jfu picked… wait for it… he picked Jack. Yup. Even if she is loyal, not sure the crazy biotic is what I’d call leadership quality. And of course, that decision came back to bite us when Kasumi got shot by a rocket to the face.
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  • Kelly what are you doing that doesn’t look healthy at a-oh wait now she’s dead. Along with half the crew. Well, just send the survivors back to the Normandy. No, no, they don’t get an escort. I’m sure they’ll be fine.
  • Jack was the biotic chosen to hold off the collector swarms, while Miranda led the diversion team. Jack performed her job admirably. Miranda… judging by the radio messages we were getting from her, her team just barely made it through without being overwhelmed. Miranda did get shot, but just shrugged it off. Is just bullets, nothing big.
  • Message from Joker! … Oh. Oh goodness. The crew didn’t make it back to the Normandy. Welp. Couldn’t be helped. At least they died knowing Jfu did absolutely everything in his power to try to save them. Absolutely. Everything.
  • Jfu’s two squadmates for the final battle were Mordin and Jack. Jfu’s really relied on Jack a lot for this mission, and not always for the best. At least Mordin was a good choice. Love incinerating all that armor enemies have in this base.
  • The defense team managed to hold off all the collectors without any casualties, and since both Jack and Mordin are loyal, the two of them survived the battle with the Reaper Larva. When the fateful decision to destroy the base or give it to Cerberus came up, Jfu of course instantly forgot all his dislike for Cerberus and chose to keep it intact for Cerberus. All while still being as unhappy with the Illusive Man as was possible.
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  • Outrunning the MAGICAL RADIATION EXPLOSIOOOOOOOOn

And with that, Mass Effect 2 has been beaten! That mission was surprisingly less of a massacre than I’d been expecting. Only two squadmate deaths. Well, yeah, the entire crew died, but it’s not like they were people. Besides, we all know what was really important. Garrus and Tali both survived the mission, thereby making it a complete success.

Next up, Mass Effect 3!